Monday, August 30, 2010

So, it's already been 5 wks!

Holy smokes! It's already been 5wks since these precious little peanuts made their grand entrance into this world...5wks! Time has really gone by quickly, but in the same breath, our birth experience, our time in the hospital seems like ages ago...weird. Alright, so anyways, 5wks post birth, post c-section, post physically letting the babies go...post, post, post...you get the drift. Many people ask the questions, and many more want to but feel they can't so they "beat around the bush". "How are you doing?"???? 'What do you mean' I want to say back...'say what you mean'! I'm a big girl, I can handle a tough question, I promise you wont make ME uncomfortable!
How am I? Well, c-sections, I realized, ARE NOT bad...the recovery kinda stinks if you're use to bouncing back to normal within hours of birth though! So, I've learned what NOT to do in the first few weeks should I ever have another c-section! Ha! But honestly, for the most part everything is back to normal. I can pick up and hold my little kiddos and am so thankful for that! I am back to work now, another stepping stone towards the path of normalcy.
I sometimes will stop myself from ordering a spicy meal when we are out to eat only to remember...ah,yes! yes I can eat that! I don't suffer from heartburn anymore...yeah, that's right! I can eat WHATEVER I want...WHENEVER I want! Nice perk.
Post birth? Do I feel like somethings missing? Like I forgot my child at the hospital?...um? No! Nope, not in the slightest bit do I feel like I am missing anything. I love Justin and Jillian, oh man do I love them! I can't actually type any words to make someone understand exactly how much love I have for them...that's how strong I feel. But do I feel sad that they are not "with me" anymore? Nope. I just don't, and I don't want that to sound cold or heartless because it is just the opposite. I get to love them so much more now that they are here, so I wouldn't trade this for anything. I had a short time to "love and care for them" and now I get to see, hold, snuggle, kiss...all of the above, any time I choose! It's great! I get to watch Denise & Jeff bask in the glow of new parenthood & that WAS the point of all of this, wasn't it?! Honestly, I had prepped myself to feel a bit of sadness or loneliness. Let me explain...EVERY time I have given birth to my own children, whoa...that's funny to say out loud..."given birth to my OWN children"~as I now need to clarify! Ha! Funny! Ok, sorry, anyways....every time I have given birth to my own children I vividly remember laying in the hospital bed, usually during the 1st night while Kurt is sleeping, baby is sleeping, it's dark out, the hospital is quiet...there I sit~awake and a bit SAD, sad that I am "alone", no more baby within me~it's a little lonely feeling (silly, I know). It was short lived, I always felt better by morning, but nonetheless it was an emotion that followed me during every post birth. EXCEPT this one...figure that one out! I will figure it out for you, it's all God...He protected my emotions like no one could ever have done & for that I am so thankful!
Every once in awhile I will look at Justin & Jillian and think about how they were inside of me, yet they aren't mine, yet they were inside me, yet...yet....whoa. Weird. Wow. Strange. I mean, cool. But, yeah...wow. Huh. Can you kind of imagine the roller coaster of emotions I'm trying to describe? I don't really know how to put the emotions to words...I mean, they aren't bad emotions, it's just different & a little wild!
What an honor, what an amazing journey and amazing to me that God thought me as worthy to go on this journey with Jeff & Denise...just simply amazing. Denise and I have said from the get go, we signed up for the "No Glitch Plan" and that continues to be true even now during this stage of the story...no glitches!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Because she loved us this much....the birth story. Part 1

This must be the 5th time I have sat down at this computer to share our birth story and every time I couldn't find the words to do it justice. After lots of reflection.....I think I might just have it!

I have had many feelings during Jill's pregnancy and during the birth and even now that the babies are here. Fear, anticipation, joy, love. Lots. But one that stands out the most and seems to be with me everyday. I have these two precious miracles "because she loved us this much" and I just cant tell you what that knowledge does to my heart. The birth story is wonderful...Kurt called me at about 5 something in the morning and told me that we should come over because Jill had been contracting for many hours. Jeff stayed with the kids and I drove over to find Jill in the bathroom just getting out of the bath and in that very moment I had to fight back tears. Seeing my best friends very pregnant body with my babies inside and knowing this might be the day I hold them in my arms was almost to much. We called the doctor and they said to come in. Jeff drove over and we packed up and left from Jill and Kurt's house. The drive to the hospital was really cool. Jeff and I were alone and it was fun to get each other "razed up" if you will but trying to be cautious the whole time that it might not be today! We arrived at the hospital and the ramp elevators were out of order so a nice man gave us a ride to the front doors. We left all of our bags in the car thinking we might not need them. We went up to be monitored and guess what?.............we were in labor! My babies were coming today! The doctor came in and about blew us out of the water when he said that our c section would be in about 1 HOUR !!!!!! The tears started flowing out of all 4 of us! Jeff and Kurt ran (and I really mean ran) to the trucks to get the bags, we changed our clothes into scrubs and it was time!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Are they beautiful or what??!!!
















Well......what can I say? We are over the moon in LOVE with these little ones! I wanted to post some pictures of their first of many I'm sure photo shoots with auntie Jill and I also wanted to share my version of the birth story but I have decided my mind is not clear enough today so I'm still going to post the pictures and save my story for another post to come real soon I promise. The babies are doing perfect and we are enjoying every moment!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

addt. pics, enjoying both babes...



some favorite memories






The days that we spent in the hospital together were filled with so many precious memories that I will always hold in a special place in my heart. I wanted to share a couple of them today...
To conceive even just one baby would have been a miracle, everyone would have been crazy excited! So, when we found out that there were TWO we were "over the moon"! Along with two came a little more anxiety though, for obvious reasons. As hard as we tried to keep the mentality that God was in control and trust that everything would be OK, we also knew that we couldn't be naive. Things happen. We know this. Denise and I have both experienced miscarriages...it happens, and we certainly were not exempt from it happening this time, in fact we had double the chance of it happening~if you will. At any given ultrasound, especially in the beginning we could've seen one healthy thriving baby and then for some "unknown reason", the other baby "just stopped developing". I don't mean to be a downer or sound dramatic but it happens to people EVERYDAY. My point in going there is this....when it actually came to fruition, when these babies were born~actually here where we could see, hear and touch them it was completely overwhelming. There was a huge sigh of relief. On a personal level, not that this is about me at all, but I had some feelings brewing inside of me during this pregnancy that I could just let go of once I saw and knew that Justin and Jillian were here and healthy. I NEEDED for my body to not let me and everyone else down, I just kept thinking to myself..."don't fail me body, don't you DARE fail me, not when my dearest friends and their babies are counting on you". Going into labor at 35wks 1day wasn't my plan. I was realistically hoping for 37 or at least a bit closer to 36...but....
So, for me? One of my many precious memories was when I was able to watch Jeff and Denise each hold BOTH of their babies at the same time, which I think happened on their 3rd day of life. And then to see my husband hold the babies that he helped my body prepare to carry, to see him love babies that weren't his. He had gotten to know them through their crazy late night antics. We had many mornings when he would tell me, "I was holding you last night and Justin was kicking like crazy...or Jillian was NUTS!"...he was finally able to see their faces & that was precious to me. And then for myself to hold them together...well, I still don't have good words to explain that feeling. I remember holding both of their heads in my hands and thinking..."yes, yes!...this is why my ribs hurt! Ha!" and feeling Justins bony little shoulder, I recognized it, it was always visibly protruding right smack in the middle of my tummy!
Ahhh, what a surreal feeling...we did it little kiddos, you are here...this part of the journey~ you and me connected, is over...
Now we are on to bigger and better journeys...an entire lifetime of journeys, I couldn't be happier!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Welcome home Justin & Jillian!!!


Just a real quick post to share the happy news that we all came home from the hospital yesterday! 6 days was all it took! Our stay at the special care nursery was pretty uneventful. We were just waiting for the babies to keep their temps stable and show us they were eating. They did it all and out we went! Its so wonderful to be home. My other children absolutely adore the babies and are always wanting to hold them. We are a big family that's floating around in a "love bubble" right now and we plan on enjoying every second of it!

On another note..................Jill posted the picture of me reaching for her hand in the operating room and it has really had quite the response from people so I thought I would share what was on my heart in that very minute as it will forever be something I carry with me. Its actually quite simple.........All the love and concern a person could possibly have for someone they love was bursting out of me in the minute. I lost eye contact with Jill during the c section because of a piece of equipment and then the babies were delivered so I was trying really hard to focus on them...........but it was really hard. I NEEDED to see and touch and know that my friend was ok. I knew that the babies were going to be ok. After all.....they had been in the best care possible for almost 9 months. But being separated from Jill for that short amount of time was really hard for me. As soon as we were given the go ahead to go into the OR with her, all I needed was to touch my friend. See that she was well. Crazy day and a very crazy feeling. I was telling Jill that is was as powerful as the feeling of protection we have for our very own child. Anyway, just a small explanation of how I was feeling. I'm off for our 1 o'clock feedings! When I can find some time, I will post my version of our birth story!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Ice Cream Parlors to Operating Rooms!



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What a difference a week can make...one night we're getting ice cream together and a week later we are desperately trying to make eye contact in an operating room! We had talked countless times about what it would be like at "that moment", but never came close to what it was actually like. We talked about it the night we were enjoying ice cream together! For me personally...I have NEVER cried a harder "happy cry"! I will shed a "happy tear", of course. BUT, this was sobbing and laughing all at the same time. I'm surprised that I didn't mess up the doctors handy work with all my shaking...hmmm, I wonder now that I write that~ was I shaking??? I guess we'll know if my scar isn't a straight line, but instead a zig-zag! Ha!
Everyone knows that I really didn't WANT a c-section (seriously, who does, right?!). In all honesty I was terrified at the idea...about all aspects of it, the spinal block, the feeling of claustrophobia, not being in control of my body, possible spinal headache, nausea, any other rare possible risks...all of it made me uneasy. I DO NOT like to live in fear, I want to ONLY FEAR GOD. But if I'm being honest, leading up to delivery day I was afraid of all those things. Listen, I was so nervous that when the anesthesiologist introduced herself with that title, I broke down and began crying....WHAT?!?! Ridiculous I know! I even said to her, "I'm so sorry I'm crying, I know it's dumb, I don't know whats wrong with me!" BUT then...I have an amazing team of prayer warriors (some of the best women you'll ever come across & I'm honored to call them my friends!) and let me tell you, they stormed the heavens with prayers for peace and calmness and GOD IS SO GOOD, He didn't forsake me! I felt HIS presence, I felt HIS peace. As I walked away from my husband Kurt, Denise & Jeff and headed to the O.R. there was no fear anywhere near me. Amazing. Laying on the operating table my husband and I chatted and laughed with the entire surgery team. And when the doc gave his warning "5 minutes until 1st baby", my husband and I pleaded with God to bring healthy, crying babies into this world. And that is just what HE did...they both cried immediately and all praises went straight back to HIM.