Strange Emotion.

Wow, it's December already! Exactly one year ago we were in the very, very final days... trigger shots and egg retrievals and embryo transfers. I cannot believe how quickly this all has gone. Why is it that the good times in your life always go so much quicker than the "not so good" times? I've been finding myself emotional these last few days and I'm not exactly sure why. When I think about the babies (who are, by the way, FOUR months old already!) I am emotional...often emotional enough for silent tears and honestly, I just can't pinpoint what it is. I haven't even shared this with my husband because I don't know what else to say except for what I just shared here. I don't think it's sadness. There is no reason for me to be sad. But tears don't start to well up in my eyes when I think of my own children. I wonder if this is just what happens when you love something so much that "isn't yours"? Truly, I don't know. Anyways, this has been making me think alot about our journey. All of the different phases that came along with it. Anticipation, excitement, wonder. I've been thinking alot about the day they were born. The whirlwind of that day, the overwhelming feelings of thankfulness for healthy babies. A healthy pregnancy, a safe delivery...topped off with healthy babies. Thank you LORD! All of that, all of the last year, actually year and a half, has been so exciting. Full of anticipation for the next phase. When we went through our psychological screening and counseling we anticipated the next step. When we were going through all of our shots...multiple daily shots, we anticipated the next step. When the eggs were retrieved we anticipated the transfer...then the "symptoms", then the pregnancy test~1st beta numbers~2nd beta numbers, one baby or two?, anticipated gender...boys? girls? both?!, milestones...made it to week 18~whew, week 23 WHEW!, week 28 YAY!, week 32 praise be to God!. Anticipated babies positions~natural delivery or a c-sec?, hair color, personalities...There wasn't ANYTHING we didn't analyze and anticipate! How do you follow that kind of excitement? Seriously. I'm not sure that I will ever accomplish anything else in my lifetime that was that FULL of excitement. And this was different because it wasn't for me, obviously I've been pregnant before and had my own babies. This WAS different. Bottom line. So, now what do I do? How can life be that full and exciting now that THAT part of the journey is over? I "tasted" something I didn't even know existed and now I'm craving it again. NO. I don't want to get pregnant again! Ha! I want to fill my life, and my families life, with the excitement and energy that I experienced. It was a gift. I need to pass it on. Pass it on to my children and my husband...although he did experience it too~to a degree.
In September I "picked up" running. Silly as it may seem, it has been pretty exciting. I set a goal to run a 5K...did it in Oct. and then again on Thanksgiving day. For me, that was a BIG accomplishment! I set a goal, worked hard and achieved it. My next goal is to run the 10K I registered for the end of April. Anticipation. Excitement. I like it! My family is starting to get the running bug too, Kurt just registered for his first 5K which will be the end of January...that's cool! So although it isn't "growing life within" (ha!), it is something. Please don't judge me, I don't want you to think that I'm selfish. I know this journey wasn't about me, I never wanted it to be and I'm not trying to make it about me now.
I am thankful for the journey that God took me on, it showed me some of what I had been missing out on!